A little while back, I went through this phase where whenever the boys would apologize to me for doing something wrong, I would say, “That’s okay, just please don’t do that again”. I’m grateful that my boys apologize so well, but there comes a time when you start to wonder how sincere the apologies are. After all, “obedience is better than sacrifice”. That phrase took on a whole new meaning after my boys became toddlers.
As it often happens with small children, they began to use my line. Whenever I asked Micah to apologize to Manu for doing something wrong, he would say “I’m sorry,” to which Manu would respond, “That’s okay, just please don’t do that again”. Then after a while, when I would ask Imanuel to apologize to Micah for doing something wrong, Micah would respond, “That’s okay, just please don’t do that again”. They even started busting that line on me! As you can imagine, it started getting irritating. So, whenever someone would apologize, the dreaded response would be, “That’s okay, just please don’t do that again.” If that line was heard, there would be an uproar in our house, and even more apologies would need to be made. It was almost as if that response became demeaning.
Well, a few days ago, I took Manu and Micah with me to go run some errands. Ty was napping at home while Israel was getting some work done. I was on the phone with a church member and the boys were sitting quietly in the back seat. We were in the red car which meant that the heater was perpetually on. The windows were down to help cool off the temperature. After we were about half-way into town, Imanuel said that it was too windy and asked me to close the windows. Without thinking twice, I put both Imanuel & Micah’s windows up all the way. About 3 seconds later, Imanuel shrieked, “MOMMY! MICAH!” and I turned around to my horror. Micah’s face was frozen in pain and his arm was suspended in the air with all of his four fingers trapped in the window. I immediately put the windows down again and pulled over as Micah finally let out his quiet sobs of pain. (He rarely cries out of pain, so seeing him like this just broke my heart.) I ran around the car and swung open the door and grabbed Micah in my arms. You parents can imagine how I was feeling at this moment.
For a split-second, I considered blaming the incident on Imanuel for asking me to put the windows up without checking Micah’s window. Then, I thought about giving Micah a lecture on how he should never stick his fingers out of the window. But when all was said and done, I knew I had no one else to blame but myself.
I looked at his bluish fingers as he managed to utter how his fingers got stuck in the window. I repeatedly told him how sorry I was and kissed his hand over and over again. He was able to move them and I felt some relief. As he stopped crying, I looked him in the eyes and apologized one more time. Then he responded in between those crying hiccups, “That’s okay, just please don’t do that again”. I almost cried. I knew that he had forgiven me and I promised him that I’d never, ever do that again.
After I got back into the driver seat and we continued towards town, I didn’t have to explain much to the boys. The lessons in safety were already learned. We moved on a happier topic…we were going to recycle!
That day I learned a thing or two about true repentance. It is painful. It is traumatizing. There is no justifying or blaming. It makes you want to never hurt/fail that person again…and you do whatever it takes to ensure that it doesn’t happen. After being forgiven, you are utterly humbled and it makes you love that person even more. You are forgiven, but you never forget. You will always be sorry. And still you must move on.
I want my boys to learn what it means to have sincere repentance for their sins and an authentic forgiveness towards one another – an experience that ultimately changes who we are and causes us to love each other more.
